i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
