Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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