I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
