just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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