we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
