It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
