I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
