Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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