Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
