You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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