Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
