Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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