Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
