i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
