i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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