If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
