he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
