i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
