Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
