Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
