Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
