It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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