I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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