i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
