you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
