OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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