god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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