Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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