im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
