I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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