just survived the first fart of the relationship.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We have started to decorate penises.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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