In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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