is your mom at the bar?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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