you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
