So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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