I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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