I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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