You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
