i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
