My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
