i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
40s are totally the cure
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
