What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
