What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
