i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
