i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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