And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
