so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
