I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
