i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
