Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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