If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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