dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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